Husband says to wife,"My Olympic condoms have arrived, I think I’ll wear gold tonight." Wife says ‘Why don’t you wear silver and come second for a change?
A man hands over a £50 note to the turnstyle operator at Dumpdale

man: Two please.

Turnstyle Operator: Will that be defenders or strikers, sir?

I got the sack from my bingo calling job.

Apparently a meal for two with a terrible view isn't the way to announce 69

Man walks into a butchers

Looks at all the all the meat then clocks the one he wants on the very top shelf.

Man goes to the butcher: "I bet you £500 you can't reach that bit of meat on the very top shelf without using your step ladder."

Butcher turns around, cranes his neck upwards looking at said piece of meat.

Butcher turns back to the man, shakes his head and goes:

"Sorry mate, the steaks are too high!"


I'll get my coat

Tennis Ball goes into a bar...

Barman says.....

"Have you been served yet?''


A burglary was recently committed at West Ham's ground, and the entire contents of the trophy room were stolen. The London police are looking for a man with a claret & blue carpet !!!!!!

(this a bit out-of-date, but still funny!)

Fabio Capello is in a supermarket, and when he heads out of the check-out he sees an old lady struggling with a trolley.

“Can you manage, dear?” he kindly tries to ask her.

“Look here” she shouts “You got us into this mess – YOU get us out of it!”

At a local derby between Arsenal and Spurs last season, a spectator. suddenly found himself in the thick of dozens of flying bottles. 

'There's nothing to worry about, lad,' said the elderly chap standing next to him. 'It's like the bombs during the war. You won't get hit unless the bottle's got your name on it.'

'That's just what I'm worried about,' said the fan. 'My name's Johnny Walker'

I've lost my dad -

A small boy was crying his eyes out at a football match. Seeing his plight, a policeman came up to him and asked what the problem was.

"I've lost my dad," cried the boy. "What's he like?" asked the policeman.

"Beer, fags and women," said the boy.

Where did you get that football? -

Two boys were playing with a new football in the road outside their house.

"Hey,"' shouted their mother, "where did you get that football?"

"We found it," replied one of the boys.

"Are you sure it was lost?" asked the mother.

"Yes," replied the boy, "we saw some people looking for it."'

My wife should be a goalie -

"My wife would make a great goalie," one man said to his friend.


"I haven't scored for months."!! 

Someone asked me the other day, what time do Millwall kick off?

About every ten minutes I replied (love it!!)

How do you confuse Man Utd. supporters?

Ask them the way to Manchester. 

It has been announced that British Summer Time will from now on be phased in. Instead of adding a whole hour in one go, five minutes will be added to Man Utd games where they need a late goal!!

This bloke came up to me and said can you coach a football team in Sheffield

I said I cant manage Wednesdays ...

Two peanuts went to a bar in Millwall

One was a salted


At Swindon: 


And underneath:


Dumbarton, Scotland:


And underneath:


More footies!!

A reporter is walking through the park in liverpool when he see's a dog attack two kids playing football. He runs over as one kid uses a stick to get the dog off his mate.

"that's so brave son, I can see the headline now - Liverpool fan saves friend from killer dog".

"sorry" the kid replies, "I don't support Liverpool."

"young toffee saves pal?

"I'm not an everton fan either, I actually support Man U" he exclaims.

"Manc yob kills beloved family pet" he scribes as he walks away 

With Man City crashing out of the Champions League,FA Cup and now the Carling Cup, I wonder if Mancini will quit. I don't think so. I mean, it's not like an Italian to abandon a sinking ship ...

Fernando Torres walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a couple of shots please."

The barman says, "That's not like you lately."

Why wouldn't you let a Villa player take your dog for a walk

They can't hold on to a lead..

Boom boom!!

Wayne Rooney lost fifty quid at the bookies the other day, betting that Frank Lampard would miss with a penalty.

He then lost another fifty quid betting on the TV replay. 

Harry Redknapp has ruled himself out of the England job saying it was 'Too taxing.'

Someone decided to mount a takeover at Portsmouth after winning last weeks lottery........He had 3 numbers!

Paddy was shagging a girl when she asked him"Doesnt it bother you im 13". Paddy replies "no not really, ive never been superstitious
Paddy gets mugged by 4 blokes, but he puts up a great fight, in the end they hold him down & go through his pockets, all he has is 40p.The muggers say "You put up a hellish good fight for just 40p....why bother?"Paddy said "I thought you was after the £500 in my sock."
Paddy finds a sandwich with two red wires sticking out of it.

He phones the police and says, "I've found a sandwich dat looks loik it's a bomb".

The operator asks, "Is it tickin"?

"No", says Paddy, "I tink it's beef."

I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my Knob off.

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

The next door neighbour's 18 year old son is continuously banging his balls against my fence.

The lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand.

I want to complain about the farmer accross the road, every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it is getting to much.

I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would be pleased if you could do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the childred until it is cleared.

A little three year old girlin Fleetwood is watching her mum washing the dishes...."Mummy, why are your hands so soft ?.........coz Im only 14, now shut the f#ck up and eat your pot noodle"
I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with ‘Guess’ on it. I said ‘Thyroid problem?’ 

Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said “We’ll struggle to get another man of the same calibre.” 

Police raided Kermit's lily pad and found 100s of nude pictures of Miss Piggy. They said it was the worst case of frogs porn ever seen.

I spent yesterday helping the grim reaper in his kitchen by chopping up about dicing with death.


A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) hit Essex in the early hours of Tuesday with its epicentre in Basildon. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering Faaackinell.

The hurricane decimated the area causing almost £30 worth of damage. Several pricesless collections of mementos from Majorca and Costa De Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three historic burn out areas of cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Giros arrived.

Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon. One resident Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15 year old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning".

Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Special Brew to help the sticken locals.

How can you help.

An appeal for clothing, such as Fila or Burberry baseball caps, Kappa tracksuit tops, shell suits, white stilettos, Rockport boot and white sports socks would be good.

Breaking news.

Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alc0-pop and were worried she had been badly cut...............

Where are you bleeding from they asked.

"Romford" said the girl "woss that gotta do wiv you"

A movie producer had called together several big name celebs to kick some

ideas around. The project was an action docu-drama about famous composers

featuring Stallone, Van Damme, and Schwarzenegger in the leading roles.

The producer really wanted the box office 'oomph' of these three, and was

prepared to allow them to select what famous composers they would portray.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play


"Chopin has always been my favorite," said Van Damme, I'll play him."

Things were going well; the producers were pleased.

"Sounds splendid. And who do you want to be, Arnold?"

"I'll be Bach." replied Arnold.

I've spent some time on the phone, trying to donate some money to a worthy cause - The Tourettes Society.

Everytime I get through, though, someone tells me to f*ck off.

I was driving through Yellowstone National Park, on the lookout just in case, when I noticed a sign saying "Bear Left", so I turned around and went home. 


Was out walking the other day when a bag of cheese smacked me on the head...I thought that's not very mature... 


The wife has been missing for a week now. Today the Police called and said prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.


A mate of mine admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quized him on it, he reckoned he could stop at any time.


I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked on the side of the road. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably. I thought to myself. "That guy's heading for a breakdown." 


Fernando Torres walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a couple of shots please."

The barman says, "That's not like you lately."


Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels


I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any

This Will Make You Think..................

Compared with petrol at £6.50 a gallon.

Diet Apple Juice 16oz@£1.29 = £10.32 a gallon

Liton Ice Tea 16oz@£1.19 =£9.52 a gallon

Brake Fluid 12oz@£3.15 =£33.60 a gallon

Evian Water 9oz @£1.49 =£21.19 a gallon

Ever wondered why printers were so cheap, they have you hooked on the ink, someone calculated the cost of ink at £5,200 a gallon.

So next time you're at the pumps be glad your car dosn't run on water or printer ink.

Interesting signs.

One from the US, large billboard showing a bottle of Southern Comfort and alongside the words, "Liquid Panty Remover".

Not sure were this one came from.

A sign on an open country road,

Emergency Telephone

174 km ahead.

One I have seen in Essex.


Kelvenden Hatch A128

Secret Nuclear Bunker.


A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "what is politics"?

Dad says, "well son, let me explain it this way, I am the head of the family, so call me the PRIME MINISTER.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we will call her the GOVERNMENT.

We are here to take car of your needs, so will call you the PEOPLE.

The nanny, we will call her the WORKING CLASS.

Your baby brother, we will call him the FUTURE.

Now think about that and see if if it makes sense".

The little boy goes to bed thinking about what his dad has said and later that night he hears his baby brother crying so gets up to see what is wrong. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy, so the little boy goes to his parents room but finds his mother asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room but finds the door locked so peeks through the keyhole only to see his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to his bed.

The next morning the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I know what politics is all about".

The father says, "Good son, now tell me in your own words what you make of it".

The litlle boy replies, "The PRIME MINISTER is screwing the WORKING CLASS, while the GOVERNEMENT is sound asleep. The PEOPLE are being ignored and the FUTURE is in deep shit"
Whats brown and sticky?

A stick.

Thats terrible, but made me laugh when i read it on a lollipop stick.

A recent study found the average Briton walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that Britons drank on average 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

That means on average Britons get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Makes you proud to be British.
two members of parliament were having a quiet chat in the corridor ...

"John, What do you think I should do about the Abortion Bill?" said one.

His colleague replied:

"Oh, I'd pay it pretty quickly before anyone finds out" !


A guy rings up his local cricket club and asks

"Can I speak to Mr Smith please?"

"Oh, I'm sorry, he's in, you'll have to wait till he's out" ... !


A chap orders his meal in a restaurant, and the waiter brings the first plate.

"What on earth's THAT!" exclaims the client.

"It's bean soup, sir" replies the waiter.

"I don't care what it's been, what is it now?" !



Who likes Irish jokes?

Here are a few Irish TRAVEL jokes:

* An Irish hitchhiker got up early and made an early start on his journey. He wanted to miss the traffic ...

* An Irishman drove his car into a river because the local policeman told him to dip his headlights ...

* An Irish motorist also got his car stuck in a church door. He'd been told to take his car for a service.

* At a level-crossing in Ireland only one of the gates was open. A motorist asked the level-crossing keeper the reason. "Well, you see sir, we are half-expecting a train" ...

* A Ryan Air pilot, when asked for for his height and position replied " "I'm 5ft 8in and sitting in the front seat" ...

* An Irishman rang up London Airport and asked how long the flight to Dublin took.

"Just a minute, sir" said the operator.

"Thank you" said the Irishman and rang off ...

* An Irishman was stopped by a foreign tourist and asked what the yellow line along the side of the street indicated.

"Oh, that means no parking at all"

"Thank you" said the tourist. "But, in that case, what do two yellow lines mean then?"

"Ah" said the Irishman, "that means no parking at all, at all" ...

Now on sale at IKEA... Lesbian beds. No nuts or screwing involved... it's all tongue and groove!

A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol. Police say it's definitely race-related.

Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing Lanes 7 and 8.

I received a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest but explained they were not a dating agency.

The lead actor in the local Pantomime production of Aladdin was anally raped by the gay genie on stage last night.

To be fair the audience did try to warn him.

Blonde walked into the Pizza parlour and ordered a pizza, would you like 6 slices or 12 asked the assistant.

6, replied the blonde, I couldn't eat 12.
Bump for qblock!
I had a dream I ate a 10lb marshmallow. Woke up and my pillow was gone.
LeicesterTangerine wrote:

I had a dream I ate a 10lb marshmallow. Woke up and my pillow was gone. 

R.I.P. Tommy Cooper
Alan Ball wrote:
R.I.P. Tommy Cooper
I went to Blackpool on holiday and knocked at the first boarding house that I came to. A women stuck her head out of an upstairs window and said 'What do you want?'. 'I'd like to stay here' 'Ok. Stay there'


Man texts his wife and says `Honey, im just having one more pint and i`ll be home. If im not home in 20 mins,just read this text again`. :D
Thank-you. Im in heaven