‍The wife bought me a Rolex for my birthday, "Do you like it?"

She asked. "It's great, it will always remind me of your pussy." I answered.

"Is it because it's precious and sexy?" She inquired.

"No," I replied, "It's a bit loose on my wrist!"

‍Imagine The Titanic with a lisp

It's unthinkable

daib0 wrote:

‍Imagine The Titanic with a lisp

It's unthinkable

‍Haha that's brilliant.

‍Some Egyptian bloke just pulled up in a BMW, beeped his horn and bared his naked arse out of the window...

Bloody toot and car moon!

‍I made that classic mistake last night that all guys make. I got really drunk, and I ended up having sex with my best friend.

Now, I can't even bring myself to talk to him...

To be honest, I don't even want to play fetch with him!

To the person who stole my antidepressants.......

I hope you’re happy now!

tangerinejezza wrote:

To the person who stole my antidepressants.......

I hope you’re happy now!

‍Ha, that reminds me of an old Bob Monkhouse joke.

"When I first said I wanted to be a comedian, everybody laughed. They're not laughing now."

‍Details from Elisabeth Fritzel's diary have been released and make fascinating reading


Stayed in - Dad visited and shagged me


Stayed in - Dad visited and shagged me


Stayed in - Dad visited and shagged me


Stayed in - Dad visited and shagged me


Stayed in - Dad visited and shagged me


Stayed in - Dad visited and shagged me


Got out and went to watch Everton

Wish I had stayed in with dad

‍Whoever invented the knock knock joke...

Should get a Nobell prize...

‍Why did Karl Marx only write in small letters?

He hated capitalism...


‍Bought a blindfold today … not sure why though … I can't see myself wearing it

‍The wife was in the kitchen cooking me bacon & eggs when I suddenly heard a loud thud. Running in I found her collapsed on the floor & not breathing. I was in a blind frenzy, I had no idea what to do...

Then I remembered, Wetherspoons do an all day breakfast for just £3.99!

Went to the sperm bank last night , The woman took my details and said " Can you masturbate in the cup"

I said " I know I'm good but I'm not ready for a tournament "

‍Check out @timothywookey’s Tweet:

‍You really are a bellend. An unfunny racist bigoted bellend

‍I saw 6 men walking around the cemetery carrying a coffin.

2 hours later they were still walking around, still carrying the coffin... 

I thought to myself, "They've lost the plot!"

‍Bus load of nuns crashes and there's a line of penguins at the pearly gates. 

St. Peter says,  "Just a few preliminaries,  ladies,  before we let you through. Sure it's only a formality. 

Now then,  dear,  tell me,  have you ever done anything improper?"

"Forgive me,  Father",  said Sister Ethel,  "for I once saw a man's penis when I was a young girl. "

"Not to worry. Dab your eyes from this basin of Holy Water and you shall pass."

Next in line was Sister Agnes. 

St.  Peter asked the same question. 

Sister Agnes blushed and replied,  " Forgive me Father,  but before I took my vows,  I touched a priests's penis after a night on the altar wine. "

"Oh my!! " said an anxious St.  Peter,  "However,  God is great and can forgive our sins.  Wash your hands in the basin and you,  too,  shall pass. "

Suddenly,  there was a commotion from the rear of the queue. 

Sister Catherine barged past the others and presented herself before St.  Peter  who exclaimed, 

"What's the matter,  my child? "

"Well,  Father, if I'm going to have to gargle with that Holy Water,  I'd rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her arse in it! "

‍Bad news for dyslexics, on the 28th October your cocks go black...

‍Just bought a new U2 sat nav!

I've had to take it back though.

The streets have no name & I still haven't found what I'm looking for!

‍Just been to get a loaf of bread costing £1.03p and gave the grumpy looking girl at the till a £20 note.

 She said "have you got anything smaller as that would take all my change."

I said "no sorry but I can pay on card if that helps?"

She sarcastically said " of course it would help" So as I presented my card she said "Cash back?"

I said "Yes please!"

 "How much?" She asked

I said "£18.97"

Ha I could imagine you actually doing that Lee!

Deffo.  😂

‍The Mrs gave me £60.00 yesterday, then told me to go out and spend it on something that makes her look sexy.

You should've seen her face when I came home pissed!

‍ Recent survey says that the first car you drive is as memorable as your first kiss.

This is very true. I still remember mine, an old banger that stank of piss. Can't think what the car was though!

‍Two cows talking in a field

One says to the other "what do you think about that mad cow disease?" 

The other one said "doesn't affect me I'm a fucking duck"

Bloke driving along picks up a hitch-hiker. 

After a few minutes the hitch-hiker says 'aren't you nervous about picking a hitch-hiker up, I could be a serial killer'? 

The bloke says 'nah, the odds of there being two serial killers in this car are astronomical'.

Picked up a new thesaurus today.

It's nothing to write house about.

When Savile got stuck up the chimney,

He began to shout,

'You girls and boys won't get any toys,

Unless you pull me off!'

A female midget has a really itchy fanny and nothing will relieve it, so she goes to the doctor. The doctor has a look between her legs, lifts her skirt and gets a scissors. Snip snip snip.

"How's that?" he asks. 

"A bit better, but still itchy," she replies. 

He goes down again with the scissors. Snip snip snip

"How's that now?" he asks. 

"Perfect, but what did you do?" she asks.

"I cut the fur off the top of your Ugg boots"