RE: Joke CornerBy Qblock2019 6 days ago
My boss asked me today why I always come out in a rash on payday.
“Because I’m allergic to peanuts you tight bastard”
RE: Joke CornerBy tangerinejezza 5 days ago
The average height of a dwarf is three feet.
That’s a little gnome fact.
RE: Joke CornerBy Bentent 4 days ago
Sad news from the Nestlé factory today. A night shift worker was crushed beneath a case of chocolate that fell 20 feet off the storage racking. He called for help repeatedly but every time he shouted "The Milky Bars are on me" his colleagues just cheered.
What's the difference between "Iron Man" and "Iron Woman"? One is a super hero whilst the other is a simple instruction
A lad gets in from school and speaks to his Dad. "Dad, my Maths teacher wants you to go into school tomorrow to speak to him."
"Why what's happened?" The father asks. "Well, she asked me, 'how much is 7x9?' I answered '63' , then she asked, 'and 9x7?' So I asked 'what's the ****ing difference?'
"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''
The next day, the boy comes home from school and says, "Dad, have you gone by the school?" "Not yet." "Well when you do, come and see the PE teacher too.
"Why?" asks the father. "Well we had a PE lesson today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I asked, 'What, am I suppose to stand on.... my ****ing cock??'"
"Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll go."
The next day, the boy asks his father "Did you go to the school?" "No, not yet."
"Don't bother Dad, I got expelled."
Surprised, the father asks "Why did you get expelled?"
"Well, they summoned me to the principal's office, and sitting there were the maths teacher, the PE teacher, and the art teacher."
"What the **** was the art teacher doing there!?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"
I had five hundred Kit Kats in my fridge and my mate had one in his. I pressured him into giving his to a homeless person.
That's basically how celebrity charity appeals work.
At a wedding in Glasgow I whispered to a guy next to me,
"Isn't the bride a right ugly dog"
"Do you mind. That's my daughter you're talking about"
"I'm sorry, I didn't know you were her father''...
"I'm not . . . I'm her fucking mother.
"Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?"
"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn."
I'm not saying people in Blackpool have bad teeth, but one woman just smiled in Asda and the barcode scanner picked it up as a set of saucepans.
Taking inspiration from 'I'm a celebrity' Get me out of here .
I ate a cows Nipple, a pigs eyeball and a sheeps penis last night.
Or a Lidl sausage roll as it's better known.
Just spent £300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn’t include a driver.
Can’t believe I’ve spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it…
RE: Joke CornerBy tangerinejezza 3 days ago
Lesbian beds now on sale at IKEA.
No nuts or screwing involved, itsall tongue and groove.
Richard Keys on Twitter chatting about the Mike Ashley situation. Not really a joke but fucking ridiculous
Well said @rioferdy5 👏👏. If Rafa loves Newcastle as he says - spend some of his own money. He’s got enough. Management is about teamwork - why should it always be Ashley? Buy it. It’s still for sale. They’re in the bottom 3 & Rafa is responsible. He picks the team.— Richard Keys (@richardajkeys) January 13, 2019
RE: Joke CornerBy Bally 2 days ago
A man in Alberta wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough there's an ad for "Alberta Bear Removers."
He calls the number and the man says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean heavily scarred old pit bull.
"What are you going to do?" The homeowner asks.
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and I’ll knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls
off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" Asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the fucking dog!"
Today, a fortune cookie told me that every exit is an entrance.
Long story short, the Mrs said no.
"Go and have a look at the size of the shit I’ve just done in the bathroom!” I said to my wife.
“No thanks,” she replied.
“Please, just one quick look,” I said, “You won’t believe it.”
She pinched her nose, ran in, looked down the toilet, then ran out and said, “There’s nothing down there, you must’ve flushed it.”
I said, “It’s on the scales.”
A quick guide on "How to fall downstairs":
Step 8, 9, 10, 11.
(_!_) a regular arse - (__!__) a fat arse - (!) a tight arse - (_*_) a sore arse
(_o_) an arse that's been around - (_X_) leave my arse alone - (_x_) kiss my arse,
(_zzz_) a tired arse - (_E=mc2_) a smart arse
RE: Joke CornerBy Bally 1 day ago
Whoever said laughter is the best medicine … Clearly hasn’t tried curing diarrhoea with a tickle fight.