My boss asked me today why I always come out in a rash on payday.
“Because I’m allergic to peanuts you tight bastard”
The average height of a dwarf is three feet.
That’s a little gnome fact.
Sad news from the Nestlé factory today. A night shift worker was crushed beneath a case of chocolate that fell 20 feet off the storage racking. He called for help repeatedly but every time he shouted "The Milky Bars are on me" his colleagues just cheered.
What's the difference between "Iron Man" and "Iron Woman"? One is a super hero whilst the other is a simple instruction
A lad gets in from school and speaks to his Dad. "Dad, my Maths teacher wants you to go into school tomorrow to speak to him."
"Why what's happened?" The father asks. "Well, she asked me, 'how much is 7x9?' I answered '63' , then she asked, 'and 9x7?' So I asked 'what's the ****ing difference?'
"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''
The next day, the boy comes home from school and says, "Dad, have you gone by the school?" "Not yet." "Well when you do, come and see the PE teacher too.
"Why?" asks the father. "Well we had a PE lesson today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I asked, 'What, am I suppose to stand on.... my ****ing cock??'"
"Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll go."
The next day, the boy asks his father "Did you go to the school?" "No, not yet."
"Don't bother Dad, I got expelled."
Surprised, the father asks "Why did you get expelled?"
"Well, they summoned me to the principal's office, and sitting there were the maths teacher, the PE teacher, and the art teacher."
"What the **** was the art teacher doing there!?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"
I had five hundred Kit Kats in my fridge and my mate had one in his. I pressured him into giving his to a homeless person.
That's basically how celebrity charity appeals work.
At a wedding in Glasgow I whispered to a guy next to me,
"Isn't the bride a right ugly dog"
"Do you mind. That's my daughter you're talking about"
"I'm sorry, I didn't know you were her father''...
"I'm not . . . I'm her fucking mother.
"Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?"
"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn."
I'm not saying people in Blackpool have bad teeth, but one woman just smiled in Asda and the barcode scanner picked it up as a set of saucepans.
Taking inspiration from 'I'm a celebrity' Get me out of here .
I ate a cows Nipple, a pigs eyeball and a sheeps penis last night.
Or a Lidl sausage roll as it's better known.
Just spent £300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn’t include a driver.
Can’t believe I’ve spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it…
Lesbian beds now on sale at IKEA.
No nuts or screwing involved, itsall tongue and groove.
Richard Keys on Twitter chatting about the Mike Ashley situation. Not really a joke but fucking ridiculous
Well said @rioferdy5 👏👏. If Rafa loves Newcastle as he says - spend some of his own money. He’s got enough. Management is about teamwork - why should it always be Ashley? Buy it. It’s still for sale. They’re in the bottom 3 & Rafa is responsible. He picks the team.— Richard Keys (@richardajkeys) January 13, 2019
A man in Alberta wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough there's an ad for "Alberta Bear Removers."
He calls the number and the man says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean heavily scarred old pit bull.
"What are you going to do?" The homeowner asks.
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and I’ll knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls
off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" Asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the fucking dog!"
Today, a fortune cookie told me that every exit is an entrance.
Long story short, the Mrs said no.
"Go and have a look at the size of the shit I’ve just done in the bathroom!” I said to my wife.
“No thanks,” she replied.
“Please, just one quick look,” I said, “You won’t believe it.”
She pinched her nose, ran in, looked down the toilet, then ran out and said, “There’s nothing down there, you must’ve flushed it.”
I said, “It’s on the scales.”
A quick guide on "How to fall downstairs":
Step 8, 9, 10, 11.
(_!_) a regular arse - (__!__) a fat arse - (!) a tight arse - (_*_) a sore arse
(_o_) an arse that's been around - (_X_) leave my arse alone - (_x_) kiss my arse,
(_zzz_) a tired arse - (_E=mc2_) a smart arse
Whoever said laughter is the best medicine … Clearly hasn’t tried curing diarrhoea with a tickle fight.
A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own Clinic and puts a sign outside ;-
'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
An American Lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the Clinic.
Lawyer: 'I have lost my sense of Taste.'
Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth.'
Lawyer: 'Ugh. this is Kerosene.'
Chinese: 'Congrats, your sense of Taste is restored. Give me $20 dolla.'
The annoyed Lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: 'I have lost my Memory. I cannot remember anything.'
Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth.'
Lawyer (annoyed): 'This is Kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my Taste.'
Chinese: 'Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20 dolla.'
The fuming Lawyer pays him and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: 'My Eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all.'
Chinese: 'Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100 dolla.'
Lawyer (staring at the note): 'But this is $20, not $100"...
Chinese: 'Congrats muddaf*cka, your Eyesight is restored. Give me another $20 dolla'
I've been told that my grammar is very poor but I don't believe them. Only last week she gave me £20
According to a magazine I read at the Doctors today, every household will have a television by 1969.
I remember when I picked up this woman at the village hall discotheque, took her for a walk in the woods afterwards.
I'm not saying she was ugly but it didn't take her long to find truffles.
A woman goes to a doctor named Dr. Wong. "Doctor, I can't get a date, no one will go out with me." In a very thick Asian accent, Dr. Wong says, "Take off clothes and get on all four hands and knees." She does. "Now crawl to wall." She does so and looks back at him. "I know what wrong." “What is it Doctor! What do I have?" "You have Ed Zachary disease." "Ed Zachary disease? What is that?!" "You face look Ed Zachary like you ass!"
"A German guy called Helmut approaches a lady of the night in London .
"I vish to buy sex viz you."
"Okay," says the girl, "I charge £50 an hour."
"Dat ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky."
"No problem," she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky for an extra £10."
So off they go the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.
"I vant zat you tie zese springs to each of your hans und knees."
The girl finds this odd, but complies, fastening the springs as requested.
"Now you vill get down on your hans und knees."
This she duly does, balancing precariously on the springs.
"You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you."
She thinks this even odder, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying).
But the sex is fantastic: honking away on the duck caller, she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German. The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced, and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say, "That was totally amazing! What do you call that position?"
"Zat," replies the German, "is ze Four-Sprung Duck Technique."
Dad...are we pyromaniacs?"
"Yes we arson"!!
I went to my mates wedding and I whispered to a bloke next to me, "Fuck me, that bride is pig ugly!"
"Do you mind! That's my daughter you're talking about!"
"I'm really sorry, I didn't know you were her father."
"I'm not. I'm her mother!"
I was suffering from chronic constipation so I went to the doctors.
He said that I must keep a log when I go.
I stunk out the waiting room when I brought it in the next visit😮
I was singing Barry White songs at a Karaoke last night when the crowd shouted "You are soul"..
I think they loved me.!!
My mate reckons he can tighten nuts and bolts just by sitting on them.
Personally I think he torques out of his arse…