We have a Chinese drug addict who lives in our street.

Bumped into him this morning, while he was searching for something.

When I asked him what ? - he said - "Have you seen my cocaine"?

So I told him straight - not since he appeared in Zulu.

Bally wrote:

We have a Chinese drug addict who lives in our street.

Bumped into him this morning, while he was searching for something.

When I asked him what ? - he said - "Have you seen my cocaine"?

So I told him straight - not since he appeared in Zulu.

I like it.
Bally wrote:

We have a Chinese drug addict who lives in our street.

Bumped into him this morning, while he was searching for something.

When I asked him what ? - he said - "Have you seen my cocaine"?

So I told him straight - not since he appeared in Zulu.

Hahaha!!

I’ve missed something???

Leesthedaddy wrote:

I’ve missed something???


Nosy neighbour.

After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanic's swimming pool was still full.

Leesthedaddy wrote:

After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanic's swimming pool was still full.

What were Irish divers doing lying on the sea bed for 100 years?
They were pro Brexit

An amazing new Elixir of youth has been Invented in Spain.

It's made from the bodies of crushed dead bull fighters.

It's called oil of Olé.

A bank robber walks up to one of his hostages and asks, "Did you see my face?" The hostage replies, "Yes." The robber takes aim and shoots the hostage dead.


He turns to the next man and asks, "And did you see my face?" The man replies, "No, but my wife caught a glimpse!"

My mate was so unfairly put in prison just for having a stutter. The judge simply had it in for him....

In fact, we don't know if he'll ever finish his sentence.... 

A little boy arrives home to find his mum and dad having sex on the sofa.

Dad says, "Don't worry, son I'm just filling mummy with petrol."

Son replies, "She doesn't do many miles to the gallon does she dad? Uncle Ernie only filled her up this morning and he used a bigger nozzle!"

I looked at the Mrs with my sperm running down her chin.


"What the fuck have you put on this butty" she asked

Haha! 

A guy went to the doctors, and the doctor was fumbling around for a while but didn't say anything.

So the chap says "anything up, doc?"

The doctor replies "I just can't put my finger on the problem. But I'd reckon it is a drinking problem"

"Don't worry, doc, then I'll come back when you're sober!"

GynnSquarePhoenix wrote:

That's a swig of cider gone to waste 🤣🤣🤣


"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"


No sun.

Young boy: "Dad, what fun does a priest have?"

Father: "nun...."

A woman wakes up after a vaginal tuck, to find three bunches of flowers on her window sill...


One from her surgeon to say that all went well...


One from her husband saying "Get well soon"...


And one from Tommy in the burns unit saying, "Thank you for the new ears!"

I gave myself a prostate exam earlier.

That's the last time I buy toilet roll from B&M Bargains 😮

The thing Hero will miss most about his Grandma is how she always used to give him wine gums. 


She'd get pissed on wine, pop her false teeth out and suck him off.😮

I said to my son "Where are you going tonight all dressed up?"

He said "I'm off to meet a new girl"

I said "Don't forget to wear a, you know"

"Wear a what dad?" he said.

"You know, put a hat on" I said.

"Do you mean a condom Dad?" he said.

"No I mean a hat you ginger twat!"

Local police hunting the "knitting needle nutter "who has stabbed six people in the rear in the last 48 hours believe the attacker could be following some sort of pattern.

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR.

Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.

What a nice feeling, he thought. Men restrooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

"What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.

"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."

A man picks up his new car and the salesman says "Your car is so hi-tech, just speak to the radio and it plays what it is told". Guy thinks OK I'll give it a go "Beatles" he shouts. A Hard Days Night plays. "Rolling Stones" he shouts. Brown Sugar plays. Days later he is out driving when he gets cut up at a roundabout "Fucking Wankers" he shouts. When you walk throu..............